unreckless: (Text - Maybe you just suck)
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posted by [personal profile] unreckless at 04:42am on 13/08/2011
Okay, so Big Bang was a fiasco this year.

I concede.

I'm very sorry that I have let everyone down, starting with the mods and any readers who friended me in anticipation, and in particular my artist, who produced some absolutely gorgeous, wonderful, spectacular art that obviously took her longer to create than I spent writing this fic.

Go look at her art again, I command you.

I never should have signed up. I knew that going in. I knew that at draft deadline. It's a fact. I had no business participating, and the fact is, my selfishness kept PM from choosing a summary and an author who wasn't going to let her down. That's on me. I suck. Please, add that to your LJ notes about me if it's not already there in all caps with a note about how I'm an entitled bitch who complained to bauble about how reverse_bang claims were run. Remember, I got an awesome artist for that, too, and failed at that as well!

Part of my problem was that I asked for a posting date in late July or August and assumed that would be enough. I didn't check the original schedule (bad me) and when PM mentioned we had until August, I sort of took a mental vacation from the story. It was only after a miscommunication between the two of us that required Wendy's intervention that I looked at the schedule and realized my collossal fuckup. Believe me, I am fully aware that I should have looked sooner. I should have been gagging to know my posting date, ready to click on the entry the second it was posted. But I wasn't and I didn't and I'm incredibly sorry.

At another point, I fucked up big time and accidentally deleted almost 8000 words and lost them forever because I saved and closed the document before I noticed. That killed my spirit to keep editing and fleshing the story out. It took weeks to work up the desire to rewrite those scenes, and some of them I didn't bother trying to recreate.

In the end, what I have is 25,000 words of a 98% complete story which I do not feel is good enough to share. I've missed my posting date by almost five hours now. Okay, that's not entirely true. I have most of it posted to [livejournal.com profile] likeanything already under private filter. I'm never satisfied with anything I write, and perhaps I've gotten it into my head that this story has to be perfect since the art is so beautiful. That art deserves a better story than I've written, that's for sure, so I guess the art will have to stand on its own. That's probably for the best.

(Seriously. Go look at it again.)

Trust me, I won't be making the mistake of signing up for a fic challenge any time soon. Maybe ever. I'll be 23 in two weeks. I'm probably too old for this. I have bigger problems than fanfiction.

I'm not going to delete my journal or "take my toys and go home." That would be unconscionably rude of me. I will, however, make myself scarce. I feel like I've let too many people down with this to feel welcome participating in fandom any longer.
There are 5 comments on this entry. (Reply.)
 
posted by [identity profile] littlestclouds.livejournal.com at 10:39am on 13/08/2011
Well, you have to do what you have to do. I'm sorry you feel like you have to leave ~fandom~/LJ/whatever now, though. I would hope most people would be understanding rather than make you feel unwelcome.

Will you still be around gmail? If not, I hope things get better and soon. If so, I'll continue to bother you like I usually do. I should probably just email this comment to you instead of leaving it in comment form but whatever. You'll probably see it either way.
 
posted by [identity profile] crimsonkitty88.livejournal.com at 08:59pm on 13/08/2011
:(

I'm more sad for you feeling like you have to leave than sad you didn't finish.

*glomping bear hug*
 
posted by [identity profile] littlestclouds.livejournal.com at 11:13pm on 13/08/2011
I'm more sad for you feeling like you have to leave than sad you didn't finish.

Yep.
 
posted by [identity profile] one-2-3-4.livejournal.com at 11:26pm on 14/08/2011
I do think that you should wrap up the story and let people read it - we each are our own worst critic and I sincerely doubt your story is bad. I feel that if you did all that work, you should share it.

I also think that you are being majorly hard on yourself. Shit happens, you realize this, and you don't intend on making any mistakes in the future. I don't feel you have to 'leave' fandom, but I do think you need to do what is right for you at this moment. If it is taking a break, by all means. But I don't think anyone in this fandom would attempt to make you feel as if you need to bow out.

*hugs*
 
posted by [identity profile] winterweathered.livejournal.com at 09:05am on 19/08/2011
You are being WAY too hard on yourself. It's fanfic.

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